For my Sisters...

End of Myself

by Habibah Sulayman on Friday, December 30, 2011 at 8:45am

I almost didn’t write this note—it felt too raw to share. But I thank God for the angels that He has placed in my life that encourages/pushes me the right way at the exact moment that I need it.
If I had to describe what 2011 has meant to me—I would say hands down it has been the BEST year of my life. I have experienced the miraculous in every area —

• I came face to face with my dark place—my abuse—and I beat it!! I survived!
• I transformed my body in a way that still shocks me sometimes.  I released 57 lbs of excess baggage and all of my hair along with it.
• I began to finally accept and walk into my calling—Minister, Writer, Encourager—Woman of God! I preached for the first time and it went really well.
• I shared my testimony with those closest and in rooms full of unfamiliar faces.
• When I least expected it—love showed up at my door. I opened my heart and life to him—I was present, honest, open, and vulnerable in way I had never been before. I shared me—all of me—good, bad, or indifferent with someone who truly cared about me. Someone who supports, encourages, and values the woman that I am.
• I became a buck stopper!! Two of my babies grew up into wonderful, powerful, and strong young women who have started their own life journey. No babies out of wedlock—God decimated that generational curse.
• I conquered my lifelong fear of deep water—I dived into the Atlantic Ocean as a scuba diver!!

I was ALIVE—not just surviving or existing or pretending!! I was experiencing and participating in my life for the first time EVER and it was wonderful!
So one would think that I would be on top of the world right now—with all of undeniable evidence of God’s love/favor over my life—how could I not be?

Well I must admit that I am not—to be honest I am struggling right now to just keep my head above water. I am in the midst of a battle unlike any I have faced before. I am exhausted—beyond exhausted—I am wiped out, empty, barren.

While I started off on track at the beginning of this year—I must admit that I am ending it feeling the total opposite.

• My eating has been out of control and I have gained some weight back and also lost some of the strength I acquired due to an almost 2 month break from working out.
• I took my eyes off of God and began to look at me—which of course led me to begin to question had God made a mistake calling me? He couldn’t possibly use this flawed vessel for any good could he?
• The relationship that brought me so much joy—I became afraid—I was just too much work, did he really know what he signed up for by choosing me, I just have too many issues, I am too damaged for any man to truly love me--and pushed him away.
• The babies that are gone now—began to question if I truly prepared for what awaits them in this world. Was I a good mom and an example for them? Would they be ok?

I messed up so badly! No coming back this time—I was tired. Tired of fighting—most of my life has been a fight and I just didn’t want to anymore. This mess was too big for me to fix—no snappy comeback or triumphant rise like the Phoenix. What would people think of me if they knew this was what really behind the beautiful smile? This can’t happen to me—I am the person who encourages everyone. I am the person who is constantly applauded for the risk I take every time I share a piece of my pain---I am too strong to get discouraged. Too anointed to ever get tired! I am a child of God and that means that I can’t get depressed.

One of the many things that I love about my Abba Father is the angels in flesh aka my friends and family that He sends just in the nick of time to minister to me.

After another night of restless sleep—I called my twin in all things spiritual and finally shared all of what I had been feeling. She, being the wise woman that she is, listened to me, let me cry, and then pointed me to the Word.

In 1 Kings 17-19 tells the story of the battle between Elijah the prophet and King Ahab—it was really a battle between Good and Evil (Hint—Good won!)

The Lord directed Elijah, he followed God’s direction, and Ahab was defeated. In 1 Kings 18—Elijah challenged Baal’s prophets. It was dynamic—400 evil prophets against Elijah! He not only challenged Baal—he challenged the people of Israel to finally choose who they would serve--God or Baal! After God performed the miraculous and the people came to their senses—they murdered the prophets! Elijah then brought to an end a drought in the land! Victory was gained!! Ahab ran home and told his crazy, evil wife Jezebel and she put a hit out on Elijah! Elijah stood his ground and faced her—wrong! Elijah ran away defeated and discouraged. So much so that when he finally stopped the Bible says the following:

“Then he went on alone into the wilderness, traveling all day. He sat down under a solitary broom tree and prayed that he might die. “I have had enough, Lord,” he said. “Take my life, for I am no better than my ancestors who have already died.” (1 Kings 19:4 NLT)

How does one go from the highest mountain to the lowest valley so quickly? What does it say about their walk and faith in God? Elijah had experienced God’s best—he was fed by ravens, defeated the enemy, and got prayers immediately answered. Then for him to be so discouraged that he prayed that God would end his life—doesn’t make sense.

So how did God answer Elijah’s request to just let him die—He allowed him to rest and fed him.

I love how intricate God’s choice of words in these passages--one of the Hebrew definitions of the word rest is chadal—which means to cease or come to an end and the word fed is ‘akal—which means to eat, devour, burn up, and feed.

God sent an angel to speak to Elijah two times—the first time the angel woke Elijah he provided him with a meal but the second time is my favorite part of the whole story.

In verse 7 it states—“Then the angel of the Lord came again and touched him and said, “Get up and eat some more, or the journey ahead will be too much for you”

I—like Elijah and many of us—had come to the end of me. The end of the measure of what was needed to do the great accomplishments I had over 2011. The end of my own strength and abilities. The end of “me” was right back at the feet of my Father resting.

Rest is very important to God—so much so that He set the precedent way back in Genesis. After He created the world and all that was in it—He rested and called it good.

I have been guilty (convicted and sentenced by my friends) of pushing myself too hard. Going hard in all things is what I do—I am a woman! But like all things that are hard—I broke! So I challenge myself and ask you to join me in seeking to spend more time at Abba’s feet resting—in His presence, resting in His Word, resting on the promises that He has given you in this next year. He promised great things to those who rest in Him.

The other part of this story came in the second time the angel woke Elijah up. God didn’t say to Elijah “Listen here you coward—this mess is too big for me to use you anymore! How could you run from those crazy people? How dare you quit on me or question my Hand in your life? That is it—game over!” God told him to get up and eat this meal or the journey ahead would be too great for him.

Had God given up on Elijah even though Elijah had given up on himself? No! Had God denied that they journey ahead would be tough or great? No! Did He deny the feelings that arose in Elijah’s heart—God I am scared, this is too much, I can’t go any further? No!

What He said was the following:

1)      I am going to use you—yes I know you are tired, scared, and a mess—but I am not changing my mind. My gifts & callings are non returnable, irrevocable—I don’t change my mind about who I called you to be! You ARE what I said you are in spite of what your actions are!

2)      What you are facing is great—but I am greater!

3)      Yes you are tired—but I never tire!

4)      No mess is ever too big for me to work out—I saw it before you saw Me and I done already re worked it to work out for you!

So today, I encourage you like I do myself—to spend the last days of this year resting at Abba’s feet and eating the perfectly God-prepared balanced meal that He has before you so that you can face what He has called you to do in 2012.

Thank you for being such a wonderful part of this year’s journey with me. Your support and encouraging words about my writing means more than you know—every like and comment lifts my spirits, abolishes my fears, and pushes me to keep digging deep to find what God placed in me.

I look forward to where God is taking me in 2012—Prayerfully my book “From Broken to Beautiful: Finding Your Purpose from Your Pain” will be completed next year!

I love you all and may the Lord bless & keep you!

Be blessed

Habibah

© Habibah Sulayman 2011

Your Legacy by Habibah Sulayman

During my most recent Sacred Sojourn--I had a number of miraculous interactions with God and His blessings in human form aka people. One of the best came in with meeting a trio of wonderful women. Since I was traveling alone--At dinner I was placed at the table with a wonderful group of women--Grandmother Catherine, daughter Gail, and granddaughter Gracie. They were originally from Canada (Grandmother & Mother) but now reside in Kentucky. We couldn't be more different--they lived in a very rural town and I was Ms City girl herself. They were Caucasian and I an African American. They were wealthy and I am in the process of getting there (Smile). But what linked us together was so much more important that what divided us--we were women. For seven nights we shared of ourselves--stories about who we were, what brought us to Puerto Rico, etc? But the most interesting facts were shared in my watching their interactions with one another.

One of the things we had in common was our love of traveling and Gail shared with me where her love started. When she was 8 years old--her mother took her to Hawaii and introduced her to the wonderful world of snorkeling. She fell in love with the ocean and all that lived in it. At the age of 15, she was taken to the Caribbean and she learned how to scuba dive. It opened her to desire to explore--so when she finished college she spent 6 months traveling the world visiting all of the great snorkeling/scuba locations--the Great Barrier Reef in Australia and a number of other places. When she got married and gave birth to her children she vowed to pass that same love onto her daughters. Which is what led us to meet when we did--this trip was introduce Gracie to God's world beneath the water with the hope of waking the same desire that laid in the heart of her Grandmother and Mother. Over the seven meals we shared I watched Gracie's love for travel blossom and I also saw the joy in Gail and Catherine's eyes in seeing the connection being formed between their generations.

It got me to thinking about what legacies we as Christian women inherited and what we are leaving behind for our daughters.

I come from a long line of strong, self sufficient, self sacrificing women. And while some may find that great--let me speak of the unspoken legacies that I inherited. I learned that everyone else's needs, thoughts, and desires were more important than my own. I learn that self care was selfish--the true mark of a good woman is to give to all in her life until she is empty by never holding anything back. I learned that love was created for everyone else but me and that true love was to love another who was not only not worthy of my love but abused me in the process. Work, work, work--you don't have a right or deserve to rest. Give, give, and give until there is NOTHING left--especially for you. The pain and hurt that you never spoke of to anyone about--just keep smiling while you were slowly dying inside. Secrets and shame was okay. Freedom was for everyone else except you. There were so many unspoken messages that I carried from my childhood into my adulthood that impact my life still today. And sadly enough, if I am totally honest I have shared those same messages with my own daughters.

I did some research and found that some of the leading causes of natural death in women--heart disease, cancer, stroke, and respiratory infections--can be deterred or even stopped by better self care. Women are twice as likely as men to suffer from depression. The causes of our spiritual deaths is even greater--anger of past hurts, bitterness over lack of reciprocity in our families, the attacks we suffer because we are beyond exhausted, etc.

But I rejoice because I serve a God of newness--beginning, legacies, and messages.  When I decided to say Yes to Jesus many moons ago--I became a new creature and old things--including those dysfunctional legacies--passed away. I have the power to now write a new legacy for not only me but for all the present and coming generations of women in my family.

I have a whole new appreciation of the speech you get when you fly--they tell you that in case of a flight emergency--when the oxygen mask comes down--place the mask on you first THEN place the other mask on your child.

As women--we must place the oxygen masks on our lives--physically and spiritually--and teach our daughters to do the same before we create another generation of women who are slowly killing themselves before they even truly begin to live.

As we head into this holiday season--there are so many gifts that we can give our daughters. We search high and low for the perfect gift for them to open on that one day but I am challenging you to examine the gifts that they receive from you every day-- your legacies--both inherited and transmitted. I pray for wisdom, discernment, and guidance from God to help you write some new legacies that will speak life into the lives of your daughters and all the women to come.

Be blessed
Habibah
© Habibah Sulayman 2011