About Me

Upper Darby, PA, United States

Friday, December 30, 2011

End of Myself

by Habibah Sulayman on Friday, December 30, 2011 at 8:45am
I almost didn’t write this note—it felt too raw to share. But I thank God for the angels that He has placed in my life that encourages/pushes me the right way at the exact moment that I need it.
If I had to describe what 2011 has meant to me—I would say hands down it has been the BEST year of my life. I have experienced the miraculous in every area —
  • I came face to face with my dark place—my abuse—and I beat it!! I survived!
  • I transformed my body in a way that still shocks me sometimes.  I released 57 lbs of excess baggage and all of my hair along with it.
  • I began to finally accept and walk into my calling—Minister, Writer, Encourager—Woman of God! I preached for the first time and it went really well.
  • I shared my testimony with those closest and in rooms full of unfamiliar faces.
  • When I least expected it—love showed up at my door. I opened my heart and life to him—I was present, honest, open, and vulnerable in way I had never been before. I shared me—all of me—good, bad, or indifferent with someone who truly cared about me. Someone who supports, encourages, and values the woman that I am.
  • I became a buck stopper!! Two of my babies grew up into wonderful, powerful, and strong young women who have started their own life journey. No babies out of wedlock—God decimated that generational curse.
  • I conquered my lifelong fear of deep water—I dived into the Atlantic Ocean as a scuba diver!!
I was ALIVE—not just surviving or existing or pretending!! I was experiencing and participating in my life for the first time EVER and it was wonderful!
So one would think that I would be on top of the world right now—with all of undeniable evidence of God’s love/favor over my life—how could I not be?
Well I must admit that I am not—to be honest I am struggling right now to just keep my head above water. I am in the midst of a battle unlike any I have faced before. I am exhausted—beyond exhausted—I am wiped out, empty, barren.
While I started off on track at the beginning of this year—I must admit that I am ending it feeling the total opposite.
  • My eating has been out of control and I have gained some weight back and also lost some of the strength I acquired due to an almost 2 month break from working out.
  • I took my eyes off of God and began to look at me—which of course led me to begin to question had God made a mistake calling me? He couldn’t possibly use this flawed vessel for any good could he?
  • The relationship that brought me so much joy—I became afraid—I was just too much work, did he really know what he signed up for by choosing me, I just have too many issues, I am too damaged for any man to truly love me--and pushed him away.
  • The babies that are gone now—began to question if I truly prepared for what awaits them in this world. Was I a good mom and an example for them? Would they be ok?
I messed up so badly! No coming back this time—I was tired. Tired of fighting—most of my life has been a fight and I just didn’t want to anymore. This mess was too big for me to fix—no snappy comeback or triumphant rise like the Phoenix. What would people think of me if they knew this was what really behind the beautiful smile? This can’t happen to me—I am the person who encourages everyone. I am the person who is constantly applauded for the risk I take every time I share a piece of my pain---I am too strong to get discouraged. Too anointed to ever get tired! I am a child of God and that means that I can’t get depressed.
One of the many things that I love about my Abba Father is the angels in flesh aka my friends and family that He sends just in the nick of time to minister to me.
After another night of restless sleep—I called my twin in all things spiritual and finally shared all of what I had been feeling. She, being the wise woman that she is, listened to me, let me cry, and then pointed me to the Word.
In 1 Kings 17-19 tells the story of the battle between Elijah the prophet and King Ahab—it was really a battle between Good and Evil (Hint—Good won!)
The Lord directed Elijah, he followed God’s direction, and Ahab was defeated. In 1 Kings 18—Elijah challenged Baal’s prophets. It was dynamic—400 evil prophets against Elijah! He not only challenged Baal—he challenged the people of Israel to finally choose who they would serve--God or Baal! After God performed the miraculous and the people came to their senses—they murdered the prophets! Elijah then brought to an end a drought in the land! Victory was gained!! Ahab ran home and told his crazy, evil wife Jezebel and she put a hit out on Elijah! Elijah stood his ground and faced her—wrong! Elijah ran away defeated and discouraged. So much so that when he finally stopped the Bible says the following:
Then he went on alone into the wilderness, traveling all day. He sat down under a solitary broom tree and prayed that he might die. “I have had enough, Lord,” he said. “Take my life, for I am no better than my ancestors who have already died.” (1 Kings 19:4 NLT)
How does one go from the highest mountain to the lowest valley so quickly? What does it say about their walk and faith in God? Elijah had experienced God’s best—he was fed by ravens, defeated the enemy, and got prayers immediately answered. Then for him to be so discouraged that he prayed that God would end his life—doesn’t make sense.
So how did God answer Elijah’s request to just let him die—He allowed him to rest and fed him.
I love how intricate God’s choice of words in these passages--one of the Hebrew definitions of the word rest is chadal—which means to cease or come to an end and the word fed is ‘akal—which means to eat, devour, burn up, and feed.
God sent an angel to speak to Elijah two times—the first time the angel woke Elijah he provided him with a meal but the second time is my favorite part of the whole story.
In verse 7 it states—“Then the angel of the Lord came again and touched him and said, “Get up and eat some more, or the journey ahead will be too much for you”
I—like Elijah and many of us—had come to the end of me. The end of the measure of what was needed to do the great accomplishments I had over 2011. The end of my own strength and abilities. The end of “me” was right back at the feet of my Father resting.
Rest is very important to God—so much so that He set the precedent way back in Genesis. After He created the world and all that was in it—He rested and called it good.
I have been guilty (convicted and sentenced by my friends) of pushing myself too hard. Going hard in all things is what I do—I am a woman! But like all things that are hard—I broke! So I challenge myself and ask you to join me in seeking to spend more time at Abba’s feet resting—in His presence, resting in His Word, resting on the promises that He has given you in this next year. He promised great things to those who rest in Him.
The other part of this story came in the second time the angel woke Elijah up. God didn’t say to Elijah “Listen here you coward—this mess is too big for me to use you anymore! How could you run from those crazy people? How dare you quit on me or question my Hand in your life? That is it—game over!” God told him to get up and eat this meal or the journey ahead would be too great for him.
Had God given up on Elijah even though Elijah had given up on himself? No! Had God denied that they journey ahead would be tough or great? No! Did He deny the feelings that arose in Elijah’s heart—God I am scared, this is too much, I can’t go any further? No!
What He said was the following:
1)      I am going to use you—yes I know you are tired, scared, and a mess—but I am not changing my mind. My gifts & callings are non returnable, irrevocable—I don’t change my mind about who I called you to be! You ARE what I said you are in spite of what your actions are!
2)      What you are facing is great—but I am greater!
3)      Yes you are tired—but I never tire!
4)      No mess is ever too big for me to work out—I saw it before you saw Me and I done already re worked it to work out for you!
So today, I encourage you like I do myself—to spend the last days of this year resting at Abba’s feet and eating the perfectly God-prepared balanced meal that He has before you so that you can face what He has called you to do in 2012.
Thank you for being such a wonderful part of this year’s journey with me. Your support and encouraging words about my writing means more than you know—every like and comment lifts my spirits, abolishes my fears, and pushes me to keep digging deep to find what God placed in me.
I look forward to where God is taking me in 2012—Prayerfully my book “From Broken to Beautiful: Finding Your Purpose from Your Pain” will be completed next year!
I love you all and may the Lord bless & keep you!
Be blessed
Habibah
© Habibah Sulayman 2011

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